If you know me at all, you know that I can’t make a cake to save my life and that I out and out refuse to let cake win. I insist on getting this right and NOT winding up like Julianne Moore in that scene from The Hours when she frosts the cake, dumps it in the trash, and abandons her family forever, even though after all the celebrations we’ve had where I’ve brought some sort of abortion and made everyone eat it for dessert, they probably wish I’d run away forever. I don’t blame them at all. Dessert is important. I should be left for dead on an iceberg or something.
Remember last Zombie Jesus Day’s disaster?
And then Girlfriend’s My Little Pony birthday atrocity?
Well, this Easter I present to you Lemon Fiasco Cake.
Ya-ta-da-da!!
It was supposed to be a lemon cake with lemon filling and buttercream frosting and I followed the directions exactly and made the whole thing from scratch and when I went to frost it after putting the filling on the middle layer, it started splooshing out the sides and it was horrible, just horrible.
I tried to make it work, but eventually I had to give up because the frosting wouldn’t stick to the places where the filling splooshed out and without frosting covering the whole thing, you could totally see the burned parts and it kind of looked like raw egg yolk dripping out of the middle of the cake and UGH!
Ew.
And poor Girlfriend, she’s so sweet, she was standing on a chair next to me at the counter going “it’s okay mama! I like it! It looks…really great! Yeah! Delicious!”
I wound up calling my mother, hysterical, and asking her to bring some sort of replacement dessert because Lemon Fiasco Cake was not going to be gracing my table if I had anything to say about it, so she sent my brother out for something edible, but she still made me serve the Lemon Fiasco Cake anyway because she’s fucking evil.
And I told everyone it said right there on the recipe that the cake was “light and fluffy” and they all laughed.
I didn’t think it was THAT funny.
Assholes.