So I get to work today and The Lunchist (remember The Lunchist from the beginning of December when somebody squished her sandwich and she freaked out and I wrote a blog post that was supposed to be funny but then the blog turned into a lynch mob full of people’s latent office aggressions and we threatened to set poor Lunchist on fire and I had to stop the angry pitchfork wielding mob because Lunchist is actually my friend and I was only kidding? Say “friend” just like Ricki’s mom from Better Off Dead because that’s how I’m saying it in my head. Frrriend. Frrriend.) was standing in the breakroom, agog, because somebody threw her lunch, uneaten, in the trashcan. This is very bad because a short time ago, somebody ATE The Lunchist’s sandwich and she found the baggie with little turkey and lettuce remnants in the trash.
The only thing we can figure is that somebody wants to kill The Lunchist and is sending her a very passive aggressive message by destroying her innocent little diet-friendly sandwiches. Passive aggressive, that is, until the day The Lunchist turns up dead! because some crazed vigilante librarian has it out for her.
This person has something against those Arnold Sandwich Thins things and this is just a random act of sandwich violence against the Arnold things and it has nothing to do with The Lunchist at all.
At this point, we just don’t know. There’s no clear evidence on anything just yet.
I have to go now because we are very busy cross-referencing schedules and break times to try and figure out who this crazy lunatic must be. It’s always the normal people you have to worry about and the problem with this place is that they’re ALL normal people!
Huhuhuhuhu. They give me the willies.
So I think we’re going to need to get Columbo on this ASAP. If anyone has Peter Falk’s phone number could you please give him the 411 and then send him over here right away? We’re also going to need the whole forensics team to come down with him.
OMG, and BONES! Get BONES over here! And make sure Boreanaz is with her.
Huhuhuhuhu. He gives me the willies, too.
IN MY PANTS!